"Jamie, I think it was rude of you to embarrass Mrs Sneedley like that yesterday"
"Mom! I just asked a simple question about, well, you know, how they did it in olden days...that's all!"
"It was a sex question, Jamie. Don't pretend it was otherwise."
"Well the Baby Boom seemed to pass them by...I notice they don't have kids and never mention any. Maybe they just don't...."
"Stop that now, Jamie!"
"Just sayin'..."
"Colin, have a word with your son"
"Me? Oh, well, you see when a mummy bee and a daddy bee love each other..."
"Dad! We've had this talk like back in Grade 5!"
"Nothing like a refresher course, though..."
"Oh, is that the time? I have to get to school...Dad, it's been really interesting, really it has."
That's the first time I've been saved by the bell to go TO school! But a day of algebra, ancient history and Spanish grammar is far preferable to having dad fumble around telling me about the birds and the bees!
School was OK, though. I didn't see Julie...or her friend, Colleen or even wild Morgan either but nevertheless it was OK and I'm maintaining a B average which is an improvement. My music teacher was positive though...told me I had some talent at playing guitar and that I should stick at it. That would be great but right now I don't own a guitar...I have to borrow them from other people. But if I want to impress my music teacher, and the girls, and win friends and influence people then I'm going to need one all of my own and that means getting money to buy one.
Time to hit the Bank of Mom And Dad...
"And I'm making so much progress at music, I'm very nearly an A student, but I need to practice more so it makes sense to do that from home instead of using the school's own musical instruments, see?"
"I'm glad you're doing well at school, Jamie, but money's tight at the moment: We sunk a lot of our savings into buying this house and your father's only been at his place of work for a few weeks so he can't ask for a raise yet."
"Aww, Mom, can't we...you know...dip into our savings?"
"Why not dip into yours?"
"Well...that's....a good question...but...but...how about I get a part time job?"
"Your studies, remember?"
"Oh...that. It's just that I'm on the verge of getting an A in music, that's all."
"Jamie...I tell you what. We'll start a collection fund for getting you a guitar. Save a little here, a little there and in no time you'll have enough."
And with a shrug of my shoulders, I have to agree with her. I can't magic up money none of us have. Time for the grind of homework...
Now that's done, I'm at a loose end. Next to the telephone is a flyer for something called the Humour & Hijinks Festival downtown. Now that sounds interesting...a bit of stand up comedy, some clowning around and competitions based on practical joking. OK, I'm game for a laugh...I think I'll wear my new shirt and you never know, some groovy chicks might there there. But my hopes are dashed when I see that the rules stipulate OVER 18s ONLY. I don't have any I.D. to get me in! Man, this just sucks...
I go outside and kick a small rock down the road as I contemplate the inherent unfairness of live on today's young man.
"Hey, Jamie! How's it hanging, man?"
"Oh, who's that? Ah, Mr Zest...I mean, Johnny. I'm OK, I guess"
"I've got a favour to ask you...I've written some new jokes and I need a test subject. You free for the next hour?"
"Sure. I am free and in need of a distraction"
"I thought you'd be at the Humour & Hijinks Festival, Johnny"
"Oh I'm boycotting that!"
"Why?"
"Well, I say 'boycott' but it's more accurate to say I'm banned from there. I've got powerful enemies in this town, Jamie. Do you want a beer?"
"A beer? Well, gee, I don't know..."
"Do your parents not approve?"
"I've had a beer with Dad before...at home. But, hey, sure. Just one; I don't want to go home smelling of liquor you know"
"Quite wise. Anyway I don't want to get bogged down in details but I'm not welcome at the Festival due to falling out with two of its prominent patrons"
"For a moment I thought it might have been some kind of Mafia gang you'd fallen foul of when you said 'powerful enemies'"
"That's not a million miles away from the truth....but like I said, I don't want to talk about that. It would be criminal to waste these jokes, though, and I won't get Ma-fee-ah! HONK!"
"You can't trust atoms...they make up everything! HONK! I used to live a hand to mouth existence...then I discovered cutlery! HONK!...How's it sounding, Jamie?"
"Yeah, very funny...say, I didn't know you played guitar?"
"Oh I dabble now and again. I should really play the thing instead. Do you play guitar?"
"Yeah, I do...do you mind if I have a go on yours? I don't have a guitar of my own yet."
"Go ahead"
"You're pretty good...maybe you could be a warm up act for my comedy?"
"Do you think so?"
"In another year...that's not to slight your playing, it's just that most venues I play at are strictly over 18 or 21."
"The story of my life...just too young to do anything really interesting"
"Say, have you seen that cute blonde chick you dig since we last talked?"
"Oh Judy...yeah, man, I met her just over a week ago and I introduced myself to her....thanks for the advice about just going for it."
"And?...."
"And what?"
"Have you asked her out?"
"Phhht...no....I mean, I'm playing it cool right now. I told her my name, said I played guitar in a band..."
"And do you?"
"No...but that's not the point! The point was to make a good impression on her"
"So did you swap phone numbers?"
"No"
"Do you know where she lives?"
"No"
"Does she know where you live?"
"No"
"Did you agree to meet up again?"
"Not exactly..."
"Then how did you leave a good impression on her?"
"Well...you know...in a kind of initial introductory kind of way"
"Your homework for next week is to go up and talk to her, have a conversation filled with the wit, banter and repartee and get her phone number"
"But...what if she says no? That would be too much to bear!"
"Then you move on to the next bird. It's not rocket science!"
"Rocket science I can handle...it's girls that require some kind of advanced PhD to understand"
I don't think Johnny knows how tough the dating scene is in high school these days. Sure, back in his day it was all bobby socks, cruising in cars and doing your hair like Elvis...girls in 1966 are complex: They want more, they judge you more and they've evolved into a superior species. Like back in my parent's day it seemed like if you were a young guy you could just walk up to any girl, ask them to marry you and they'd have to say yes. That's the impression I get from my folks and the Sneedleys anyway. In Johnny's high school days it was probably a little more complicated but if you said and did the right things you'd land a girl as well. Now, the chicks look better than at any time in history but there's like a million things you can get wrong just trying to know them. I have to evolve to become attractive to them....the problem is I don't know how!
I head home, but up ahead I see Mrs Sneedley out on a run...I'd better duck down and sneak back to the house before she can see me and give another lecture about morals...
Dad's home and he wants to talk to me...I hope it isn't either a morals lecture or the birds and the bees talk.
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