CHAPTER 217: Things Fall Apart (Downfall part 5)

"Geoffrey, this is the best deal we're going to get and it will save both the family and the business!"

"Screw the business, you all want me to go to prison!" said an uptight and increasingly angry Geoffrey.

"It's for all our sakes, including yours!  It's just a few years in an open prison; everything will be here for you when you get out."

"Will it?  Or will you have all moved on by then?"

"Geoffrey, how could you think such a thing?" exclaimed Nancy.

"Because I know now that I'm the expendable one" he snarled.  He got up and went to his study where he retrieved his car keys and then went downstairs to the garage.  Getting in his car, he drove off with tyres screeching.

His destination was the Landgraab Building.  As he wasn't wearing a business suit the security guards and employees didn't recognise him at first and with all the rumours and news stories going around in the last two days no one wanted to dare speak with him as he headed up to his office.

"Mr Landgraab!" exclaimed his secretary when he entered unannounced.

"Can you leave me alone here, Alice?" he replied.  She gathered up some paperwork and hurried out the door.  Geoffrey looked around at his desk:  Everything had been tidied up.  Standard procedure:  Shred anything incriminating.

He then opened another door and stepped in to the adjacent boardroom.  He did a slow lap of the long table, finishing next to his place at the head.  Looking out the window he surveyed a kingdom he once ruled.

He turned back to look at his old spot at the head of the table and thought that he'd never sit there again.

"You were never serious about retiring, Big Mal...well, that spot's all yours now" he mused to himself.

Behind the Chairman's seat hung the portrait of Gregory Landgraab.  He was not the founder of the company but seen by many as its saviour.

"If it hadn't been for a strange turn of fate, then it would have been my grandfather...Ludwig Osteer...who would have inherited the company from Gordon Landgraab, not Gregory." he uttered with increasing spitefulness to his voice.

"All this talk about keeping it in the family was just a lie!  You lot used me!  I was your gopher, Mal, not a partner.  I kept my end of the bargain!  I agreed to give away my name, agreed to the marriage with Nancy, give up my work with the US government with the promise that this would be mine and now that's happened you're going to take it all from me and leave me to rot in jail!"

Geoffrey was pacing around the boardroom now with the anger gradually building up.  "Criminal activities!  That's a laugh!  Everything we do breaks some law or another...why can't you take the hit for the company, Mal?  You've only got a few years left in you and they'll probably keep you under house arrest in your island home...why should I take the fall?"

He paused as a thought crossed his mind.  "Nancy..." he uttered, softly.  "I do genuinely love her...or I did.  Or did I?  She was...and is...beautiful; not in Cannes, Milan or New York is there a woman who can match her.  But she's running to daddy when things get bad...that tells you where her true loyalties lie..."

He threw his arms up in the air.  "Who am I kidding?  The spark went some time ago to be replaced by...her" and he had a warm, glowing image of a woman who beguiled him.  "Beulah...even the name makes me feel warm.  Those soft, brown eyes, that giggle, the lilt in her voice, the Rubenesque figure...I don't know, there's something about her that enchants me, I can't put it into words.  A mystique, perhaps..."

 "...or those tits!  Oh to feel that flesh, to caress..." and then he snapped out of it.  "What to do?  What to do?  I've got to get out of here"  Before he left the boardroom, he took another look at the painting of Gregory Landgraab but, for the first time in his life, he looked on at it with sadness instead of pride.

There wasn't much time left before the police came calling, time to sort out some unfinished business, he thought.  His destination:  Oasis Springs.

The cheap trailer home was no place for a Landgraab to live, thought Geoffrey, but the simple and faded wood panelling reminded him of his childhood home, which was little more than a wooden shack on the outskirts of Sim City.  He had never been here before, but he knew of it thanks to his private security agents keeping tabs on the occupant who lived there:  His other son, John, the one he, Nancy and Malcolm never spoke of.

Geoffrey walked up the stops to the little rickety porch by the front door and, as there was no doorbell, he knocked on the door.

"Hang on, I'm coming...coming..." came the voice of a stressed out man from inside.  Footsteps were heard approaching the door.  "Listen Bernie...how should I have known that the fat lady was Mayor's wife?  It's comedy!  Everything's fair game..." the occupant opened the door and saw Geoffrey standing on the porch.

"Oh..." was all he could say.

"Hello son.  I'd like to talk with you" said Geoffrey, calmly but stiffly.

"You'd like to talk with me all of a sudden?  Two years of no contact and now, suddenly, out of the blue, plucked from the ether you've decided that you want to talk with me?  How about I slam this door into your face?"

"Please...John!  I need to talk, need to clear some things on my mind.  Just spare me a few minutes of your time!" Geoffrey's voice started to show desperation.  Johnny knew why his father was here ...maybe this would truly be the last time he'd see his father?  The young man relented and ushered Geoffrey inside.

"Have a seat, Dad" he said, motioning towards the couch.  "So is it true you're going to be arrested and put on trial?"

"Yes it is.  Probably by the time I get home the police will be waiting for me."

Johnny took a deep breath.  "It's sad for you and the family but...hey...it's not like you're innocent, is it?  Your past just caught up with you."

"Don't get all high and mighty with me, boy!" Geoffrey exclaimed.  "For years you did well off of the profits of what your mother and I earned; the easy or hard way!"

"OK Dad...cool it!  Yeah I knew the history of the family and how you and Mom worked but that's one reason I left it all behind me!  I'm not like you and Mom, I couldn't bear having to make the decisions you guys made...who should prosper and who should suffer?  Who should live and who should die..."

"It's damn tough being at the top...you have to understand, John...Johnny.  It...demands...so much of you...so...much...of....me..." he said with his words petering out at the end.

"So why are you here?  For forgiveness?  To confess?  You think I've got a secret escape route to Mexico or something?"

"Quit joking around, Johnny!" snapped Geoffrey.  "Don't use this situation as a basis for a stand up routine!  The reason I'm here is that I don't know if I'm ever going to see you again and despite all that happened....that...'unpleasantness' that drove us apart...you're my son and I wanted to see you, to talk with you once more."

"It was yours and Mom's choice to throw me out and disown me, Dad.  You said that I was no son of yours and you were completely cutting me off"

"I know but things change..."

"Yes, they do, and here you are desperate and friendless by the looks of things.  That's a comedown"

"That's rich coming from you!  You're living as trailer trash playing gigs in half empty nightclubs in between striptease routines."

"My living arrangements are entirely down to you and Mom"

"You couldn't live under our roof the way you were living your life!"

"Now what's that supposed to mean?"

"Well...your lifestyle..."

"Oh come on, Dad, out with it...say what you mean to say."

"Your mother and I didn't approve..."

"Of what?  The comedy or something else?"

"You know what, I don't like to say it..."

"Makes you uncomfortable, does it?"

"You know it does...It's something I'm not used to, I associate it with a kind of degenerate person..."

"I bet you do"

"There you go, being flippant again"

"Flippant?  I'm angry, Dad"

"But you and...him..."

"Skip, his name is...was...Skip"

"I can't understand it"

"You know nothing, Dad"

"But with all the lovely, beautiful young women you were meeting when we took you to all the gala events why him?  I mean, there was young Gabriela Spang..."

"I had her as well, Dad.  I dated them all; all the debutantes, the daughters of your friends...like I said, you know nothing.  Anyway, it' all moot now; Skip's dead, I'm here and you're about to go to prison" Johnny said with sadness in his voice.

"Your grandfather is very keen to bring you back into the family fold" said Geoffrey.

"Oh he does love to control everything and everyone, doesn't he?  Well, he knows where to find me"

"I'm warning you, Johnny, he's sold me down the river and he'll do the same to you"

"Thanks for the heads up but I think I can handle him"

"Now it's you who knows nothing!  Look, you sleep with anyone you damn well please...I don't understand what makes you tick at all...but you're still my son, my firstborn, and I don't want you to end up as something to be cast aside like what they've done to me..."

"Self pity from you, Dad."

"I've wasted my time coming here!" exclaimed Geoffrey, turning red with rage.  "In some ways you're as cruel as your brother but at least Malcolm never turned on me"

"He knows which side his bread is buttered, that's why."

"I know all your secrets...you, Malcolm, your Mom and Big Mal.  I can ruin all of you!" and with that Geoffrey sprang to his feet and walked to the door.  Out of the door window he could see the figure of a woman across the road at the Sneedley residence.  He recognised her at once, how could he fail to do so as he had subtly watched her every move over the last few months?  It was Beulah...maybe she could save him?

"What are you looking at, Dad?" said Johnny, confused that his father had gone from being incandescent with rage to being transfixed by something he could see out of the window.  Johnny got up and moved next to Geoffrey.  He could see George Sneedley in drag again, prancing around in his living room in a bright pink dress.

"Beulah...." gasped Geoffrey.

"Beulah, is that what he calls himself when he's like that?"  said Johnny but Geoffrey didn't hear him.

"She's the only one who I have a connection with now...I must go and see her..." said Geoffrey, his voice sounding disconnected from the rest of his surroundings.

"Her?  Wait, Dad, there's something you should know, I mean really know..." said Johnny but it was too late, Geoffrey was out of the door and running across the road.

"Dad...and George Sneedley in drag?"  Johnny's eyes were wide in astonishment and as he closed the door and retreated inside his trailer he started to laugh.

"Ha-ha-ha!  'I do not approve of you and Skip! It's degenerate!' and you're in love with George Sneedley dressed up as a woman!  Oh my!  HA-HA-HA-HA-HA-HA-HA!  And George calls himself 'Beulah' as well!  Oh this is the best comedy I've ever witnessed!  HA-HA-HA-HA-HA-HA-HA!" And with that, Johnny slumped to the floor, unable to contain his laughter.

Meanwhile Geoffrey ran across the road to Sneedley Burrow; he had to see Beulah, had to lay it all on the line with her.

                                         

Inside George was skipping about, enjoying being a woman.  It wasn't one of his scheduled work days at Affluista Mansion but he wanted to wear his new pink satin dress, which had now become his favourite.  As he frolicked around his living room he suddenly heard a knock at the door.  He froze in panic...Edna!  But Edna wasn't due home from work for another couple of hours and, besides, she had a house key and knew where the spare was hidden outside.  OK, not Edna then so he could bluff it out as Beulah.  He slipped his high heels back on and sauntered over to the door in a feminine way, clearing his throat for when he had to speak as Beulah.

On opening the door he was surprised to see Geoffrey Landgraab.  "Geoffreh!  Oh mah!  What ah surprise, a most pleasant one to be sure."

"Beulah, I have to speak with you...are George or Edna in?" he asked with desperation in his voice.

"No, they're not.  I'm just here doin' some chores for them today." 

"You're dressed very well for doing some chores:  Satin dress, high heels..."

"Well, ahm jus' doin' a few light jobs...today isn't mah usual day here, I'm doin' this as a favour for the Sneedleh's before ah....ah..." she had to think up a convincing reason fast.  "...ah have to go somewhere this evenin'"

"Oh...you have plans!" said Geoffrey.  If she was looking this good and was going out this evening then that could mean a romantic rival!  Geoffrey's heart began to sink.

"To...meet someone?" he asked, gulping.

"Well yais...it's nothin' serious, mind.  Just...meeting...a friend?" said Beulah, awkwardly.

Geoffrey was nervous so to calm his nerves he sat down and began to speak.  "Beulah, I'm going to lay it all on the line now...I am totally smitten with you, I have been since the moment I first set eyes on you."

Beulah gulped.  She had suspected some flirtatiousness from him since the beginning but this admission of being smitten!  It took her off guard so she sat down as well.

"Time's running out for me, Beulah...I don't know if you've been watching the news lately..."

"Ah have, and ahm sorry you're in such a predicament"

"It's more than a predicament, Beulah, it's my life at stake!  I'm a desperate man, I've nothing left to lose..."

"Nancy's abandoning me, my family don't care, my name and reputation in ruins.  All I have left is this passion and desire for you, Beulah!  I don't know what it is that draws me to you but you have this intoxicating effect on me."

"Pheromones?"

"Or cosmic fate!  Whatever it is that draws me inexorably towards you, Beulah, I want to now run away with you!  Flee this city, this country and head to Argentina!  I have contacts in Buenos Aires and we can begin a life there, just you and me!  I've thought this out...we need some fake passports but I keep a stash in my safe."

Beulah gulped and began to panic; what to say?  "Ah can't, Geoffreh! I'm flattered n' all that, truly ah am but I can't just leave mah home..."

"What's keeping you here?  You left Georgia to come to Sim City so nothing was holding you back there.  You're a single woman...is it this other man, the one you're going to see tonight?"

"It's not quite like that, Geoffreh"

"Then what?  I am still a wealthy man.  Even on the run I have funds stashed in various caches around the world.  You don't like the sound of Argentina?  Alright, Marrakesh then.  Or Thailand.  Name the place and I'll find somewhere nearby with no extradition treaty where we can live."

"It's not that, Geoffreh...I'm not quite the woman you think ah am" she said, nervously.

"I'd like to get to know all of you, Beulah.  Not as my employee, but as a lover!  Where we go you'll wear the finest gowns, you'll never need to don a maid's outfit ever again...unless it's for fun."

"It's a tempting offer but no..."

"Whyever not?  Don't you feel the same passion?  Oh I've seen that twinkle in your eye, that coquettish smile that covers a darker, sensuous woman.  I can tell you like me..."

"Ah think you've misread mah signals, Geoffreh..."

"Let me show you how much I'm besotted with you...come closer..." he said, inching his way towards Beulah, his hand reaching out to touch her knee.  Beulah squirmed, not knowing what to do.

"Erm...about this other man, Geoffreh..." she said, her voice croaking.

"Forget about him...don't you like this?" he said, gently fondling Beulah's knee.  She found the experience...unusual.

"It's...not...unpleasant...from a tactile point of view it's just that...oh mah, your hand is creeping up my leg just a bit..."

"Let's kiss, Beulah..."

"Geoffreh,  mwaahhh hnnngggh ah ah I need some air...mah, you're a firm kisser that's for sure!  Oh and that hand's gone quite far enough thank you.  Ah think you should STOP before you get a surprise....oh, too late!"

"What...is that?" said a startled Geoffrey.  

"Erm...it's my....Johnson"

"WHAT?"

Beulah leapt to her feet and tore off her wig.  "I can't do this anymore!  Geoffrey, I'm actually George!"

"GEORGE!"

"I know...you see, I like to dress up in women's clothes and it was completely by chance that I bumped in to you dressed like this and we got talking..."

"You're a pervert!"

"Now, now...lots of men wear women's clothing, we're not all perverts...it's just that women get all the nice stuff and we have to..."

"SHUT UP!  Oh my God, you're a homosexual!  Johnny's probably one as well and that must mean...to have lusted after you...oh no, oh dear God..."

"Geoffrey, transvestites are not the same as homosexuals.  I love Edna and if you don't mind me saying so I think your Nancy's a wonderful looking woman...I mean, if I wasn't married I'd be seriously checking her out...OK, this isn't helping..."

"Weirdos...all around me are crooks, drug pushers, sex maniacs and aliens..." Geoffrey started to babble.

"What was that last one?" asked an incredulous George.

"YOU HAVE ALL CROSSED ME FOR THE LAST TIME!  Edna will find out about this!  And I'll tell the cops about all the corruption, the crime, the sordid secrets of EVERYONE!  And then I'll tell the government about...THEM!"

"Look, Geoffrey, let's not act hastily here!  Edna and the world don't have to know...I understand I've lead you on but I was enjoying the flattery from you and, well, working closely with your family meant I could spend more time as a woman.  It's not easy leading a double life..."

"You used me!  Toyed with me!  I bet you were laughing all the time behind my back!"

"I wasn't...I just enjoyed the validation"

Geoffrey got up and started to pace around, then he clenched his fist and bit down on it.  "I touched George Sneedley's Johnson!  Nooooooooooooooooooooo!"

"Geoffrey, we can sort this out.  Actually, can we sort it out another time as Edna will be home soon and it takes at least 45 minutes to completely remove all this clothing and make up.  I'll call you a cab..."

Geoffrey was still biting his fist and sobbing so George went to pick up the telephone and make the call.  Suddenly, Geoffrey barged past him and ran out into the street.

"GAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHH" he said, wailing as he ran off.

CHAPTER 168: Guitar Boy

 

"Jamie, I think it was rude of you to embarrass Mrs Sneedley like that yesterday" 

"Mom!  I just asked a simple question about, well, you know, how they did it in olden days...that's all!"

"It was a sex question, Jamie.  Don't pretend it was otherwise."

"Well the Baby Boom seemed to pass them by...I notice they don't have kids and never mention any.  Maybe they just don't...."

"Stop that now, Jamie!" 

"Just sayin'..."

"Colin, have a word with your son"

"Me?  Oh, well, you see when a mummy bee and a daddy bee love each other..."

"Dad!  We've had this talk like back in Grade 5!"

"Nothing like a refresher course, though..."

"Oh, is that the time?  I have to get to school...Dad, it's been really interesting, really it has."

That's the first time I've been saved by the bell to go TO school!  But a day of algebra, ancient history and Spanish grammar is far preferable to having dad fumble around telling me about the birds and the bees!

School was OK, though.  I didn't see Julie...or her friend, Colleen or even wild Morgan either but nevertheless it was OK and I'm maintaining a B average which is an improvement.  My music teacher was positive though...told me I had some talent at playing guitar and that I should stick at it.  That would be great but right now I don't own a guitar...I have to borrow them from other people.  But if I want to impress my music teacher, and the girls, and win friends and influence people then I'm going to need one all of my own and that means getting money to buy one.

Time to hit the Bank of Mom And Dad...

"And I'm making so much progress at music, I'm very nearly an A student, but I need to practice more so it makes sense to do that from home instead of using the school's own musical instruments, see?"

"I'm glad you're doing well at school, Jamie, but money's tight at the moment:  We sunk a lot of our savings into buying this house and your father's only been at his place of work for a few weeks so he can't ask for a raise yet."

"Aww, Mom, can't we...you know...dip into our savings?"

"Why not dip into yours?"

"Well...that's....a good question...but...but...how about I get a part time job?"

"Your studies, remember?"

"Oh...that.  It's just that I'm on the verge of getting an A in music, that's all."

"Jamie...I tell you what.  We'll start a collection fund for getting you a guitar.  Save a little here, a little there and in no time you'll have enough."

And with a shrug of my shoulders, I have to agree with her.  I can't magic up money none of us have.  Time for the grind of homework...

Now that's done, I'm at a loose end.  Next to the telephone is a flyer for something called the Humour & Hijinks Festival downtown.  Now that sounds interesting...a bit of stand up comedy, some clowning around and competitions based on practical joking.  OK, I'm game for a laugh...I think I'll wear my new shirt and you never know, some groovy chicks might there there.  But my hopes are dashed when I see that the rules stipulate OVER 18s ONLY.  I don't have any I.D. to get me in!  Man, this just sucks...

I go outside and kick a small rock down the road as I contemplate the inherent unfairness of live on today's young man.  

"Hey, Jamie!  How's it hanging, man?"

"Oh, who's that?  Ah, Mr Zest...I mean, Johnny.  I'm OK, I guess"

"I've got a favour to ask you...I've written some new jokes and I need a test subject.  You free for the next hour?"

"Sure.  I am free and in need of a distraction"

"I thought you'd be at the Humour & Hijinks Festival, Johnny"

"Oh I'm boycotting that!"

"Why?"

"Well, I say 'boycott' but it's more accurate to say I'm banned from there.  I've got powerful enemies in this town, Jamie.  Do you want a beer?"

"A beer?  Well, gee, I don't know..."

"Do your parents not approve?"

"I've had a beer with Dad before...at home.  But, hey, sure.  Just one; I don't want to go home smelling of liquor you know"

"Quite wise.  Anyway I don't want to get bogged down in details but I'm not welcome at the Festival due to falling out with two of its prominent patrons"

"For a moment I thought it might have been some kind of Mafia gang you'd fallen foul of when you said 'powerful enemies'"

"That's not a million miles away from the truth....but like I said, I don't want to talk about that.  It would be criminal to waste these jokes, though, and I won't get Ma-fee-ah! HONK!"

"You can't trust atoms...they make up everything! HONK!  I used to live a hand to mouth existence...then I discovered cutlery!  HONK!...How's it sounding, Jamie?"

"Yeah, very funny...say, I didn't know you played guitar?"

"Oh I dabble now and again.  I should really play the thing instead.  Do you play guitar?"

"Yeah, I do...do you mind if I have a go on yours?  I don't have a guitar of my own yet."

"Go ahead"

"You're pretty good...maybe you could be a warm up act for my comedy?"

"Do you think so?"

"In another year...that's not to slight your playing, it's just that most venues I play at are strictly over 18 or 21."

"The story of my life...just too young to do anything really interesting"

"Say, have you seen that cute blonde chick you dig since we last talked?"

"Oh Judy...yeah, man, I met her just over a week ago and I introduced myself to her....thanks for the advice about just going for it."

"And?...."

"And what?"

"Have you asked her out?"

"Phhht...no....I mean, I'm playing it cool right now.  I told her my name, said I played guitar in a band..."

"And do you?"

"No...but that's not the point!  The point was to make a good impression on her"

"So did you swap phone numbers?"

"No"

"Do you know where she lives?"

"No"

"Does she know where you live?"

"No"

"Did you agree to meet up again?"

"Not exactly..."

"Then how did you leave a good impression on her?"

"Well...you know...in a kind of initial introductory kind of way"

"Your homework for next week is to go up and talk to her, have a conversation filled with the wit, banter and repartee and get her phone number"

"But...what if she says no?  That would be too much to bear!"

"Then you move on to the next bird.  It's not rocket science!"

"Rocket science I can handle...it's girls that require some kind of advanced PhD to understand"

I don't think Johnny knows how tough the dating scene is in high school these days.  Sure, back in his day it was all bobby socks, cruising in cars and doing your hair like Elvis...girls in 1966 are complex: They want more, they judge you more and they've evolved into a superior species.  Like back in my parent's day it seemed like if you were a young guy you could just walk up to any girl, ask them to marry you and they'd have to say yes.  That's the impression I get from my folks and the Sneedleys anyway.  In Johnny's high school days it was probably a little more complicated but if you said and did the right things you'd land a girl as well.  Now, the chicks look better than at any time in history but there's like a million things you can get wrong just trying to know them. I have to evolve to become attractive to them....the problem is I don't know how!

I head home, but up ahead I see Mrs Sneedley out on a run...I'd better duck down and sneak back to the house before she can see me and give another lecture about morals...

Dad's home and he wants to talk to me...I hope it isn't either a morals lecture or the birds and the bees talk.

"Son, your mother and I have had a conversation and we've decided on something..."

"Look, whatever it is I did wrong I'll pay for it with my own money!"

"No, it's not that...although what did you do wrong?  Oh never mind!  It's about the guitar.  We'll pay 50% of the cost; I've just got a raise at work.  You save up the other 50%.

"That sounds fair, Dad.  You gotta deal"

Yes!  Just got to do a few more paper rounds and deliveries to get some money and away we go!  Then I can put together a band and THEN I can make some serious moves on Judy!

CHAPTER 136: Older Women

 

I've been awoken by...I presume...my parents, crashing around the house.  What are they doing out there?  OK, let's check the time...9:30am.  9:30!  That's uncivilised!  That's inhumane!  There should be a law against 9:30am!

Stepping out of the sanctuary of my room, I see that Dad's helping Mom do the dishes and the pots and pans are making all the noise.  What is it with old people and getting up early?  When I say 'old' I don't mean...well...ancient or decrepit but anyone around who can remember World War Two is considered 'old' by my standards.

"Oh look...he has risen!" said Dad.

"He has risen indeed!" said Mom.

"Just point me in the direction of the breakfast" I replied.

Fortunately Mom's made something instead of me having to fix it myself...I'm not usually lazy; I did have that grocery delivery job and that meant seriously early mornings.  No, it's just that I'm not quite settled into this new house yet and I can't get a deep enough sleep.  You know how your mind plays tricks on you in the small hours where you think you see something in the shadows but it turns out that you've hung a hat and coat on the back of your chair and it's casting a weird light.  Back in our old apartment I knew every nook and cranny of my room; I do not know this new bedroom like that at all and it's taking some getting used to.

I take my empty plate and glass to the kitchen where Dad is lurking.  He has that look of earnestness in his face.

"Already, half the day gone...into the ether, Jamie"

"What?  What are you talking about Dad?"

"The march of time, Son, the march of time.  I've already been up since 6am..."

"Ughhhhh" Don't hit me with the Dawn's Early Light gig on a Saturday morning, Dad!  Fortunately Mom arrived in time to spare me another one of his folksy tales.

"Have you had enough to eat?"

"Yes, Mom, plenty.  It was nice"

"I don't want you wasting away"

"I'm not"

"Oh, Colin, that walk we took down by the river this morning was lovely...and romantic"

"Anything for you, My Sweet" 

"Are you guys going to get all soppy and yucky?"

"Your father is as dashing and gentlemanly as the day I met him, Jamie"

"You are going to get soppy, I just know it"

"And you're still the most beautiful woman I have ever met, Myra"

"I need to have a shower...maybe even get a barf bag"

"Mwwwwwwwwwwaaaaaaaahhhhhh"

It's so embarrassing when they get all 'romantic' like that...why can't they do that when I'm not around?

"Hee-hee-hee, Colin!  You tiger!"

"I've still got it!"

"And I've got nausea...I'm going to have a shower."

"Oh Jamie...don't take too long, I thought it would be good to go and meet our neighbours...introduce ourselves."

"Oh Mom!  I was going to go out!"

"That can wait.  You shower and get dressed and we'll just spend a few minutes getting to know our new neighbourhood."

I only reacted instinctively to Mom's suggestion but in reality I didn't have anything else planned this morning.  We popped a few yards to next door:  It was a large, single floored house that left hardly any room for a garden but what I noticed more than anything else was that everything was spotlessly clean and neat.

"This is such a nice house"

"Yes, Myra...a new or at least recent build by my reckoning."

"Now best behaviour everyone.  Colin, don't drone on about concrete or box girder bridges...Jamie, nothing rude or unseemly"

"Mother...the thought never crossed my mind."

Mom knocked on the door and a woman's voiced answered.

"Who is it?"

"Hello there.  We just moved in next door:  We're the McGregor family and we thought we'd introduce ourselves to our new neighbours." 

"If you could make your way around to the side door, I'll let you in.  We only use the front door for special occasions"

I guess we weren't special enough to get front door treatment but we all dutifully made our way around to the side.  Inside matched the outside:  This place was spotless...if a single particle of dirt hit the floor or surfaces probably then the amount of chemicals used in the kitchen alone would obliterate it.

A slim, snooty looking woman approaches us.

"Hello there, I'm Edna Sneedley.  How very pleased I am to meet you." 

"Hi, I'm Myra McGregor, this is my husband Colin..."

"Hello there!"

"And our son, Jamie"

"Hi"

"Hmmm, 'Hi'"

There was something about me saying "hi" that seemed to annoy her.  I'm not sure whether I should ask if I have to take off my shoes or not.

"And how are you finding our humble neighbourhood?  Are you settling in?"

"Yes...gradually.  Still got another few boxes to unpack."

"I shall introduce you to my husband, George, and he'll make us all a nice cup of coffee...and would your son like a fruit juice or milk?"

"Oh I'm fine with Coffee as well, Mrs Sneedley"

"Hmmm, they start so young these days.  Oh George, our new neighbours are here to visit us...do come and say hello....oh and would you be a dear and put on a pot of fresh coffee for them."

A man wearing big spectacles, with a receding hairline and not so receding stomach entered the room and nodded a curt greeting to us.  He made his way straight past me and shook my dad's hand.  

"George Sneedley"

"Colin McGregor.  This is a nice house you have here"

"Edna and I designed it ourselves.  What do you do, Colin?"

"I'm an engineer.  You?"

"Chef.  I'll put that coffee on" 

I was with Mom and Mrs Sneedley and they were talking about the neighbourhood in general...well, it was mainly Mrs Sneedley who did the talking.

"Now across the road from you in that dilapidated eyesore that was, I suspect, a trailer home lives Johnny Zest.  He is a....comedian, one of those 'showbiz' types...ugh.  Well, he's none too successful by the looks of things....he really should get a proper job."

A stand up comic in the street...sounds interesting.  I wonder if he's got any good jokes he could share with me...I mean, after all, girls like guys with a good sense of humour.

"And what about you, young man?  What are you studying and what do you want to do when you leave school?"

Oh!  She's talking to me now!

"I study all the subjects, you know...my best subject is English literature.  I haven't figured out what I want to do after school yet."

"He'll be registered for the draft, no doubt, Edna" 

"Indeed, George.  Well my George was in the Navy; drafted in WW2 when not much older than yourself but he found it rewarding enough to stay on for another 10 years.  He would have stayed on for much longer but he received an injury in Korea...we don't like to talk about that."

"So you were in Korea, George?  I was there too:  US Air Force, working as ground crew on F-86's.  That's where I got my first qualification in mechanical engineering."

So that's Dad and Mr Sneedley off swapping war stories and here I was with Mom and another middle aged woman.

"And how do you find Agave Abode, Myra?"

"It's got a lovely Mexican theme to the decor, I find.  I like the orange hues, the tiling and it's much bigger than our old apartment.  It's nice to have that extra room.  Sure, it was a bit more expensive but it is in such good condition."

"Well, it had better be after the previous owner.  Ugh, I still shudder when I think of him.  He had to get in a lot of builders and cleaners in when he moved out."

"Oh no!  What happened?"

"Mostly wild and debauched parties that went long into the night.  All kinds of unsavoury people frequented there."

Now things are getting interesting!  Please, Mrs Sneedley, do go on!

"Do you mean criminal gangs?" Mom was shocked and wide eyed at this revelation.

"Oh nothing criminal...more's the pity although I do suspect some of that reefer madness was involved...it was that ghastly Alan Cuffe and all his loose women"

"You mean Alan Cuffe of the Lothario Kitten Club?  Him from TV?  Wow, he used to live in our new house?  Did he have the Kittens around for parties?  I mean, that's wild!"

And then the room went deathly quiet.  Mom looked horrified at what I'd just said, Dad looked around and heard what I'd said and shook his head despairingly... but that was nothing compared with the look I got from Mrs Sneedley.  I guess I sounded a little too enthusiastic about Alan Cuffe and Lothario....

"That man is a stain on our society!  I hope you don't partake of his foul and degenerate magazines young man!"

"Well...no!  I mean, I did read one issue but only because it had an interesting short story by Norman Mailer"

"ONE!  It only takes one to poison a young mind!  Everywhere there's smut, filth and indecency and we're being engulfed by it!  These are dark days for us all and the storm clouds are gathering but some of us are fighting back!  Oh dear, oh dear young Jamie.  Hast thou too fallen?"

"Well Edna, lovely to meet you, we'll be leaving you and George alone now..."

Thanks Mom!  I consider leaving via the front door as it's closer but think wiser of it.  This Sneedley woman is c-r-aaaaaaaazy!

We promptly exit the Sneedley Burrow and regroup outside.  I can tell Mom's really annoyed...either at me or Mrs Sneedley.  Probably me.

"Well that was a disaster!"

"Oh I don't think it was all that bad, Myra.  But she does seem to be the volatile type."

"Jamie, why did you have to sound all enthusiastic about Lothario magazine?"

"Alan Cuffe is famous, that's all!  You know, our new house was once owned by a celebrity.  I think that's kind of cool...I wasn't endorsing him"

"'Oooh were any of the Kittens there?' sounds like an endorsement to me!  Now if I were to search your room..."

"MOM!  NO!"

"If I were to search your room, would I find any copies of Lothario stashed away?"

"Mom!  No!  I mean, I don't..."

"Myra, the boy is 17 now and, well, you know how it is"

"No I don't, Colin.  I don't want Jamie reading that sort of muck!"

"The articles are pretty cool, though.  I mean apart from that Norman Mailer one there's been a short story by Gore Vidal and a very interesting analysis of the politics of the Dominican Republic..."

"And how are you getting to read these articles?"

"Oh they get passed around...I mean, I just get leant one...or two...and then they get passed on but it's only the articles..."

"Passed around by whom?"

"Just...erm...friends of friends."

"Which friends?"

"I think it was Jimmy?"

"Who is Jimmy?"

"Erm....he's gone.  Died...left the area.  I can't remember which but he's gone now and well, it's all OK.  I'll just back out of the Lothario sharing loop.  Shame though as the next issue has a bit of undercover journalism..."

"Oh I can well imagine the kinds of 'undercover' they mean!  I'm very disappointed in you, Jamie"

Mom stormed back into the house and I was left alone with Dad for a moment.  We didn't say anything, didn't even look each other in the eye.  Eventually he broke the awkward tension.

"Son...I understand.  It can get lonely...and confusing...sometimes.  I remember back in the winter of '51, at Osan, the first time I'd ever left the United States...we had various...erm...'publications' to help us through those dark times.  The thing is, son, that it's not real...you know?  Nothing in those magazines can compare with real life and real...erm...girls.  But if you ever need to talk...I'm here.  I've been to that place."

"That's OK, Dad, I understand...and thanks"

He nodded, awkwardly, and headed off inside.  I got my bike and decided to head somewhere far away and lie low for a while.  Desert Bloom Park awaited.

I wanted to clear some head space so I strummed on the guitar in the snug area and for a moment all seemed right with the world.  I feel bad for Mom; she just wants us all to fit in and get along in our new neighbourhood but I get the impression the Sneedleys don't get on with anyone.

I did feel a bit better after that...I don't know; the grown up life seems rife with petty concerns and social point scoring...much worse than it's like at school.  However, I'm rapidly heading towards that world...there was one thing Mr Sneedley said that filled me with dread:  Next year I will be eligible for the draft.  Army, Navy, Air Force, Marines?  I don't know which one I'll probably end up in but there's a chance I'll end up in Vietnam.  That's a sobering thought.  All the Lothario magazines ever published can't chase away that worry.

I put down the guitar and head outside and already I see a familiar face from school:  Efrain Webber.  I like him.  He's always got some crazy idea for fun and is good company...for the most part.

"Jamie...how's it going my man?"

"Not too bad; say that's some fancy duds you're wearing there"

"Dress to impress, Jamie ol' buddy:  Rule #1 of the hunt"

"The hunt?"

"You know, cherchez les femmes?"

"Oh yeah, right.  So you off to some party?"

"Not tonight...I think we all have to lie low on that front after what happened at Judy Keith's not-so-sweet 16 if you know what I mean!"

"I don't, sadly.  I wasn't invited to that one"

"Really?  I could have sworn I saw you there...I mean, everyone at school was invited; even Cassandra Goth!  I guess your invite got lost in the mail."

"Yeah...that must have been it"  Put on a brave face, Jamie.  You are just not on Judy Keith's radar at all.  Maybe I'm so small I don't register on it.

"So what happens at Judy's party is that someone spiked the punch and...well...there was some pretty wild tripping out and...yeah, some property damage.  The cops came, eventually"

"Judy's going to be grounded for ever, I reckon"

"Her?  Nah, she'll sweet talk her dad like she usually does.  So, at a loose end, bud?"

"More like a free agent tonight"

"This park's deader than sweater vests...let's say you and I head on to a swinging place and chat up some chicks?  I hear there's a great place over at Windenburg:  College Student Country"

"College students?"

"They're the best.  I mean, yeah, there are the high school girls but I reckon if we tap the freshmen girls you'll get a better quality chick.  They're a bit more worldly, a bit more sophisticated and if we act like freshmen but from another college they won't think we're high schoolers.  What do you think?"

"Man, my social life among the girls at Buckingham High is non-existent.  Why not try a completely different crowd?  I'm in!"

We stopped by Efrain's house so he could get changed into something a bit more casual because he reckoned while the shirt and tie made him look sophisticated to high schoolers, college chicks want someone who's more "with it".  Then we headed to a place called the Narwhal Arms, which had a reputation for being popular with college students.

"This is is, Jamie ol' chum:  Now just play it cool and remember we're freshmen"

 

The place had a real Bohemian buzz about it from the decor, the music and that lots of people were wearing black or grey, smoked funny smelling cigarettes, drank weird coloured drinks and nodded along to the music.  I made my way to the dance floor because already there was one hot chick...all alone...grooving to the music.  Maybe I could say a cool 'hello' and ask her for a dance?

My confidence was dented when I saw one of my old junior high school teachers heading my way!  Oh no, she recognised me and my cover as a 'freshman' would be blown!  Miss McKinnon, why did you have to be here today of all days?  Mind you, she has changed a little bit since I last saw her...I mean, that's a pretty short dress and she's got a good pair of legs but....heck, it's Miss McKinnon!  I make a quick dash for the bar before she can talk to me.

I'm hungry so I order some food at the bar and try my luck in getting a drink.

"Barman!  Can I get one of those drinks with a little umbrella in it?"

"Can I see some I.D.?"

"You know what?  I have a big test tomorrow...a big test so I'd better lay off the alcohol...just for one evening!  I'll have a Coke instead...because of this big test.  Which I have tomorrow"

"Sure you do, kid.  Here's your Coke"

Dang, that barman's an old pro.  But there's a cute chick next to me...time to start up a conversation methinks.

"Hi...can I buy you a drink?" 

"What, like a Coke?"

"Oh this?  Pshaw!  No, I'm off the old booze for one evening as I have a big test tomorrow"

"What are you studying?"

"Me?  Oh...erm...theorem"

"Theorem eh?"

"And what about you?  What are you studying?"

"I'm not a student...I teach English Literature"

Oh great....another much older woman and this time a teacher!

"Are you really a student at Britechester?  Should you actually be in here, kid?"

"Well, I hope you have a great evening...I've got to speak to an old friend over there"

I quickly downed my drink and ran over to where Efrain was standing.  He was still blissfully bopping along to the music...alone, I noticed.

"Efrain, do you know when you said this place was popular with college students?"

"Yeah, what of it?  Have you met any yet?"

"They're all college PROFESSORS!  Look around, they're not students here...one or two years above us.  They're mostly 10 years older than us...there's even Miss McKinnon, our old Junior High teacher over there!"

"Miss McKinnon?  I used to have a crush on her"

"Well tonight's your lucky night...listen, I'm splitting this scene...I've already put my foot in it and I reckon I've got no chance here.  Catch you Monday."

I leave, head down, and go straight home.  What a disappointment on top of the earlier ones.  Older women seem to be the bane of my life today.

As I enter the house I'm immediately greeted by Mom. 

"Jamie...you're home early?  Everything alright?"

"Yeah, cosmic.  I just wanted a bit of an early night."

"Can I ask one more little favour?  I borrowed a watering can from our neighbour and we need to give it back..."

"Oh no, Mom, don't make me apologise to Mrs Sneedley again!"

"No, I didn't borrow it from her, I borrowed it from Mr Zest over the road.  Would you return it to him and give him our thanks?"

"He's not another weird one is he?"

"Well, his house is weird but he seems pleasant"

"OK, give me the can and I'll return it...and be straight back"

I didn't fancy this at all...knowing my luck I'll probably say the wrong thing or worse...not find his jokes funny:  I've never angered a comedian before, maybe this'll be a first.  His place does seem a little weird; more plumbing and wiring on the outside than the inside by the looks of it.  I knock on the door and wince.

"WHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAT?" came a voice from inside; a rasping, loud, elongated 'what'.  He is a weirdo!

"Oh hello, Mr Zest, my name is Jamie and my Mom asked me to return your watering can.

Silence.  Then footsteps.  Then the sound of latches and chains being unlocked and finally the door opened.  A young man with a big Elvis style blonde quiff stands before me.  He notices I'm carrying the watering can.

"Oh thank you.  Was it alright?"

"What?"

"The can"

"I guess....Mom didn't say anything about it other than to return it with her thanks."

"Well...I seem to have left you 'carrying the can'...HONK!  Would you like to come in and have a drink?  I'm Johnny, your neighbour.  Johnny Zest's the name, comedy's my game."

"Are you really a comedian?  Like a pro?"

"That's what's written on my welfare cheques....HONK!  So how's settling in going?"

"The house is fine...real fine Mr Zest."

"Call me Johnny.  I'm only Mr Zest to my parole officer....HONK!  And you are?"

"Jamie.  So do you play gigs and the like?  When's your next one?"

"Well...not this week...nor the next week either but the week after that I provisionally maybe very possibly and almost assuredly could have a gig down in San Myshuno.  But the details haven't been arranged yet.  Or the venue."

"What's your act like?"

"A bit Henny Youngman, a bit Jackie Mason with a dash of Lenny Bruce.  Are you into any comedians?"

"Bob Newhart and Frank Gorshin."

Johnny nodded appreciatively.  

"So, have you met George and the Dragon yet?  The Sneedleys?"

"Oohhhhhhhh yes.  It didn't go well"

"Why, what did you say?  Don't tell me...she objected to your haircut"

"No.  I expressed an interest that Alan Cuffe used to own our house.  Is that true?"

"Very much so.  I miss Alan...not that I spoke with him much.  You know, the occasional 'hello', 'lovely weather' and 'what's your name again?'"

"Is it true about the parties he held there?"

"I should say so!  Man, those were wild!"

"Did you attend any?  Did you meet any of the Kittens?"

"Sadly no.  I did get to talk with one of the kittens.  It was right here, I'll show you.  Right out the front of my house one of them walked over to me...and she was in the full kitten outfit and that leaves very little to the imagination I can tell you!  So she was there in the bodysuit, the black hose and the cat ears and she...and I think it was Miss February...the red haired one...I digress...so I was there, on that spot and she came right up close to me and said 'is it OK if I park my car here?'"

I looked out of his window at the spot where he was pointing to and I gave a start.  My breathing became shallow, I started to nervously fidget and I was letting out a low mumbling sound.

"Calm yourself, kid, it's just a story"

"No...it's not that.  Oh man, oh gosh, it's who's walking down the street!  She's here!  She's here in my street!"

It was Judy Keith.  Oasis Springs was well out of her way, not even close to where she lives.  What's she doing here?  Oh my, she's actually here!  A vision in yellow...her hair the colour of spun gold, her eyes like the purest mountain pools and legs that went on forever!

"Do you know her?"

"Yes...well, kind of.  I know who she is; she's been at school with me since kindergarten but I wonder if I ever cross her mind."

"Why don't you go and say 'hi' to her?  I won't be offended if you leave now.  Go!"

"I...I...can't!  What am I going to say to her?  'Hi...flarglelahglebnurrr'?"

"Whatever it is, she's going to be gone in less than 30 seconds.  Go...just make something up!"

"What if she laughs at me?  What if she goes and tells her friends which is, like, everyone in the city, and they all think I'm a loser for daring to talk to her?"

"How likely is that to happen?"

"It's within the realms of plausibility.  No.  I need a killer opening line.  I way to break the ice....you're a comedian, have you got anything?"

"Nothing that the Doctor couldn't cure....HONK!  How about 'can you show me the way to town, preferably via your bedroom'?"

"That's a terrible pick up line!"

"My comedy's designed to be edgy, not to pick up women!"

"Oh dang it, she's gone.  My chance...ruined!"

"Sorry, guy."

"No, you're right, Johnny.  I should have just gone out there and taken my chance"

"Improvisation, Jamie.  You never know when it can come in handy.  I like you, kid.  When I get this gig sorted out you should come and see my set live.  Free ticket, what do you say?"

"Sure.  And thanks."

"Look at us...we're both an inch away from success and yet we've got to overcome that one little hurdle.  I'll help you get that girl, you help me by laughing at my jokes."