I've been awoken by...I presume...my parents, crashing around the house. What are they doing out there? OK, let's check the time...9:30am. 9:30! That's uncivilised! That's inhumane! There should be a law against 9:30am!
Stepping out of the sanctuary of my room, I see that Dad's helping Mom do the dishes and the pots and pans are making all the noise. What is it with old people and getting up early? When I say 'old' I don't mean...well...ancient or decrepit but anyone around who can remember World War Two is considered 'old' by my standards.
"Oh look...he has risen!" said Dad.
"He has risen indeed!" said Mom.
"Just point me in the direction of the breakfast" I replied.
Fortunately Mom's made something instead of me having to fix it myself...I'm not usually lazy; I did have that grocery delivery job and that meant seriously early mornings. No, it's just that I'm not quite settled into this new house yet and I can't get a deep enough sleep. You know how your mind plays tricks on you in the small hours where you think you see something in the shadows but it turns out that you've hung a hat and coat on the back of your chair and it's casting a weird light. Back in our old apartment I knew every nook and cranny of my room; I do not know this new bedroom like that at all and it's taking some getting used to.
I take my empty plate and glass to the kitchen where Dad is lurking. He has that look of earnestness in his face.
"Already, half the day gone...into the ether, Jamie"
"What? What are you talking about Dad?"
"The march of time, Son, the march of time. I've already been up since 6am..."
"Ughhhhh" Don't hit me with the Dawn's Early Light gig on a Saturday morning, Dad! Fortunately Mom arrived in time to spare me another one of his folksy tales.
"Have you had enough to eat?"
"Yes, Mom, plenty. It was nice"
"I don't want you wasting away"
"I'm not"
"Oh, Colin, that walk we took down by the river this morning was lovely...and romantic"
"Anything for you, My Sweet"
"Are you guys going to get all soppy and yucky?"
"Your father is as dashing and gentlemanly as the day I met him, Jamie"
"You are going to get soppy, I just know it"
"And you're still the most beautiful woman I have ever met, Myra"
"I need to have a shower...maybe even get a barf bag"
"Mwwwwwwwwwwaaaaaaaahhhhhh"
It's so embarrassing when they get all 'romantic' like that...why can't they do that when I'm not around?
"Hee-hee-hee, Colin! You tiger!"
"I've still got it!"
"And I've got nausea...I'm going to have a shower."
"Oh Jamie...don't take too long, I thought it would be good to go and meet our neighbours...introduce ourselves."
"Oh Mom! I was going to go out!"
"That can wait. You shower and get dressed and we'll just spend a few minutes getting to know our new neighbourhood."
I only reacted instinctively to Mom's suggestion but in reality I didn't have anything else planned this morning. We popped a few yards to next door: It was a large, single floored house that left hardly any room for a garden but what I noticed more than anything else was that everything was spotlessly clean and neat.
"This is such a nice house"
"Yes, Myra...a new or at least recent build by my reckoning."
"Now best behaviour everyone. Colin, don't drone on about concrete or box girder bridges...Jamie, nothing rude or unseemly"
"Mother...the thought never crossed my mind."
Mom knocked on the door and a woman's voiced answered.
"Who is it?"
"Hello there. We just moved in next door: We're the McGregor family and we thought we'd introduce ourselves to our new neighbours."
"If you could make your way around to the side door, I'll let you in. We only use the front door for special occasions"
I guess we weren't special enough to get front door treatment but we all dutifully made our way around to the side. Inside matched the outside: This place was spotless...if a single particle of dirt hit the floor or surfaces probably then the amount of chemicals used in the kitchen alone would obliterate it.
A slim, snooty looking woman approaches us.
"Hello there, I'm Edna Sneedley. How very pleased I am to meet you."
"Hi, I'm Myra McGregor, this is my husband Colin..."
"Hello there!"
"And our son, Jamie"
"Hi"
"Hmmm, 'Hi'"
There was something about me saying "hi" that seemed to annoy her. I'm not sure whether I should ask if I have to take off my shoes or not.
"And how are you finding our humble neighbourhood? Are you settling in?"
"Yes...gradually. Still got another few boxes to unpack."
"I shall introduce you to my husband, George, and he'll make us all a nice cup of coffee...and would your son like a fruit juice or milk?"
"Oh I'm fine with Coffee as well, Mrs Sneedley"
"Hmmm, they start so young these days. Oh George, our new neighbours are here to visit us...do come and say hello....oh and would you be a dear and put on a pot of fresh coffee for them."
A man wearing big spectacles, with a receding hairline and not so receding stomach entered the room and nodded a curt greeting to us. He made his way straight past me and shook my dad's hand.
"George Sneedley"
"Colin McGregor. This is a nice house you have here"
"Edna and I designed it ourselves. What do you do, Colin?"
"I'm an engineer. You?"
"Chef. I'll put that coffee on"
I was with Mom and Mrs Sneedley and they were talking about the neighbourhood in general...well, it was mainly Mrs Sneedley who did the talking.
"Now across the road from you in that dilapidated eyesore that was, I suspect, a trailer home lives Johnny Zest. He is a....comedian, one of those 'showbiz' types...ugh. Well, he's none too successful by the looks of things....he really should get a proper job."
A stand up comic in the street...sounds interesting. I wonder if he's got any good jokes he could share with me...I mean, after all, girls like guys with a good sense of humour.
"And what about you, young man? What are you studying and what do you want to do when you leave school?"
Oh! She's talking to me now!
"I study all the subjects, you know...my best subject is English literature. I haven't figured out what I want to do after school yet."
"He'll be registered for the draft, no doubt, Edna"
"Indeed, George. Well my George was in the Navy; drafted in WW2 when not much older than yourself but he found it rewarding enough to stay on for another 10 years. He would have stayed on for much longer but he received an injury in Korea...we don't like to talk about that."
"So you were in Korea, George? I was there too: US Air Force, working as ground crew on F-86's. That's where I got my first qualification in mechanical engineering."
So that's Dad and Mr Sneedley off swapping war stories and here I was with Mom and another middle aged woman.
"And how do you find Agave Abode, Myra?"
"It's got a lovely Mexican theme to the decor, I find. I like the orange hues, the tiling and it's much bigger than our old apartment. It's nice to have that extra room. Sure, it was a bit more expensive but it is in such good condition."
"Well, it had better be after the previous owner. Ugh, I still shudder when I think of him. He had to get in a lot of builders and cleaners in when he moved out."
"Oh no! What happened?"
"Mostly wild and debauched parties that went long into the night. All kinds of unsavoury people frequented there."
Now things are getting interesting! Please, Mrs Sneedley, do go on!
"Do you mean criminal gangs?" Mom was shocked and wide eyed at this revelation.
"Oh nothing criminal...more's the pity although I do suspect some of that reefer madness was involved...it was that ghastly Alan Cuffe and all his loose women"
"You mean Alan Cuffe of the Lothario Kitten Club? Him from TV? Wow, he used to live in our new house? Did he have the Kittens around for parties? I mean, that's wild!"
And then the room went deathly quiet. Mom looked horrified at what I'd just said, Dad looked around and heard what I'd said and shook his head despairingly... but that was nothing compared with the look I got from Mrs Sneedley. I guess I sounded a little too enthusiastic about Alan Cuffe and Lothario....
"That man is a stain on our society! I hope you don't partake of his foul and degenerate magazines young man!"
"Well...no! I mean, I did read one issue but only because it had an interesting short story by Norman Mailer"
"ONE! It only takes one to poison a young mind! Everywhere there's smut, filth and indecency and we're being engulfed by it! These are dark days for us all and the storm clouds are gathering but some of us are fighting back! Oh dear, oh dear young Jamie. Hast thou too fallen?"
"Well Edna, lovely to meet you, we'll be leaving you and George alone now..."
Thanks Mom! I consider leaving via the front door as it's closer but think wiser of it. This Sneedley woman is c-r-aaaaaaaazy!
We promptly exit the Sneedley Burrow and regroup outside. I can tell Mom's really annoyed...either at me or Mrs Sneedley. Probably me.
"Well that was a disaster!"
"Oh I don't think it was all that bad, Myra. But she does seem to be the volatile type."
"Jamie, why did you have to sound all enthusiastic about Lothario magazine?"
"Alan Cuffe is famous, that's all! You know, our new house was once owned by a celebrity. I think that's kind of cool...I wasn't endorsing him"
"'Oooh were any of the Kittens there?' sounds like an endorsement to me! Now if I were to search your room..."
"MOM! NO!"
"If I were to search your room, would I find any copies of Lothario stashed away?"
"Mom! No! I mean, I don't..."
"Myra, the boy is 17 now and, well, you know how it is"
"No I don't, Colin. I don't want Jamie reading that sort of muck!"
"The articles are pretty cool, though. I mean apart from that Norman Mailer one there's been a short story by Gore Vidal and a very interesting analysis of the politics of the Dominican Republic..."
"And how are you getting to read these articles?"
"Oh they get passed around...I mean, I just get leant one...or two...and then they get passed on but it's only the articles..."
"Passed around by whom?"
"Just...erm...friends of friends."
"Which friends?"
"I think it was Jimmy?"
"Who is Jimmy?"
"Erm....he's gone. Died...left the area. I can't remember which but he's gone now and well, it's all OK. I'll just back out of the Lothario sharing loop. Shame though as the next issue has a bit of undercover journalism..."
"Oh I can well imagine the kinds of 'undercover' they mean! I'm very disappointed in you, Jamie"
Mom stormed back into the house and I was left alone with Dad for a moment. We didn't say anything, didn't even look each other in the eye. Eventually he broke the awkward tension.
"Son...I understand. It can get lonely...and confusing...sometimes. I remember back in the winter of '51, at Osan, the first time I'd ever left the United States...we had various...erm...'publications' to help us through those dark times. The thing is, son, that it's not real...you know? Nothing in those magazines can compare with real life and real...erm...girls. But if you ever need to talk...I'm here. I've been to that place."
"That's OK, Dad, I understand...and thanks"
He nodded, awkwardly, and headed off inside. I got my bike and decided to head somewhere far away and lie low for a while. Desert Bloom Park awaited.
I wanted to clear some head space so I strummed on the guitar in the snug area and for a moment all seemed right with the world. I feel bad for Mom; she just wants us all to fit in and get along in our new neighbourhood but I get the impression the Sneedleys don't get on with anyone.
I did feel a bit better after that...I don't know; the grown up life seems rife with petty concerns and social point scoring...much worse than it's like at school. However, I'm rapidly heading towards that world...there was one thing Mr Sneedley said that filled me with dread: Next year I will be eligible for the draft. Army, Navy, Air Force, Marines? I don't know which one I'll probably end up in but there's a chance I'll end up in Vietnam. That's a sobering thought. All the Lothario magazines ever published can't chase away that worry.
I put down the guitar and head outside and already I see a familiar face from school: Efrain Webber. I like him. He's always got some crazy idea for fun and is good company...for the most part.
"Jamie...how's it going my man?"
"Not too bad; say that's some fancy duds you're wearing there"
"Dress to impress, Jamie ol' buddy: Rule #1 of the hunt"
"The hunt?"
"You know, cherchez les femmes?"
"Oh yeah, right. So you off to some party?"
"Not tonight...I think we all have to lie low on that front after what happened at Judy Keith's not-so-sweet 16 if you know what I mean!"
"I don't, sadly. I wasn't invited to that one"
"Really? I could have sworn I saw you there...I mean, everyone at school was invited; even Cassandra Goth! I guess your invite got lost in the mail."
"Yeah...that must have been it" Put on a brave face, Jamie. You are just not on Judy Keith's radar at all. Maybe I'm so small I don't register on it.
"So what happens at Judy's party is that someone spiked the punch and...well...there was some pretty wild tripping out and...yeah, some property damage. The cops came, eventually"
"Judy's going to be grounded for ever, I reckon"
"Her? Nah, she'll sweet talk her dad like she usually does. So, at a loose end, bud?"
"More like a free agent tonight"
"This park's deader than sweater vests...let's say you and I head on to a swinging place and chat up some chicks? I hear there's a great place over at Windenburg: College Student Country"
"College students?"
"They're the best. I mean, yeah, there are the high school girls but I reckon if we tap the freshmen girls you'll get a better quality chick. They're a bit more worldly, a bit more sophisticated and if we act like freshmen but from another college they won't think we're high schoolers. What do you think?"
"Man, my social life among the girls at Buckingham High is non-existent. Why not try a completely different crowd? I'm in!"
We stopped by Efrain's house so he could get changed into something a bit more casual because he reckoned while the shirt and tie made him look sophisticated to high schoolers, college chicks want someone who's more "with it". Then we headed to a place called the Narwhal Arms, which had a reputation for being popular with college students.
"This is is, Jamie ol' chum: Now just play it cool and remember we're freshmen"
The place had a real Bohemian buzz about it from the decor, the music and that lots of people were wearing black or grey, smoked funny smelling cigarettes, drank weird coloured drinks and nodded along to the music. I made my way to the dance floor because already there was one hot chick...all alone...grooving to the music. Maybe I could say a cool 'hello' and ask her for a dance?
My confidence was dented when I saw one of my old junior high school teachers heading my way! Oh no, she recognised me and my cover as a 'freshman' would be blown! Miss McKinnon, why did you have to be here today of all days? Mind you, she has changed a little bit since I last saw her...I mean, that's a pretty short dress and she's got a good pair of legs but....heck, it's Miss McKinnon! I make a quick dash for the bar before she can talk to me.
I'm hungry so I order some food at the bar and try my luck in getting a drink.
"Barman! Can I get one of those drinks with a little umbrella in it?"
"Can I see some I.D.?"
"You know what? I have a big test tomorrow...a big test so I'd better lay off the alcohol...just for one evening! I'll have a Coke instead...because of this big test. Which I have tomorrow"
"Sure you do, kid. Here's your Coke"
Dang, that barman's an old pro. But there's a cute chick next to me...time to start up a conversation methinks.
"Hi...can I buy you a drink?"
"What, like a Coke?"
"Oh this? Pshaw! No, I'm off the old booze for one evening as I have a big test tomorrow"
"What are you studying?"
"Me? Oh...erm...theorem"
"Theorem eh?"
"And what about you? What are you studying?"
"I'm not a student...I teach English Literature"
Oh great....another much older woman and this time a teacher!
"Are you really a student at Britechester? Should you actually be in here, kid?"
"Well, I hope you have a great evening...I've got to speak to an old friend over there"
I quickly downed my drink and ran over to where Efrain was standing. He was still blissfully bopping along to the music...alone, I noticed.
"Efrain, do you know when you said this place was popular with college students?"
"Yeah, what of it? Have you met any yet?"
"They're all college PROFESSORS! Look around, they're not students here...one or two years above us. They're mostly 10 years older than us...there's even Miss McKinnon, our old Junior High teacher over there!"
"Miss McKinnon? I used to have a crush on her"
"Well tonight's your lucky night...listen, I'm splitting this scene...I've already put my foot in it and I reckon I've got no chance here. Catch you Monday."
I leave, head down, and go straight home. What a disappointment on top of the earlier ones. Older women seem to be the bane of my life today.
As I enter the house I'm immediately greeted by Mom.
"Jamie...you're home early? Everything alright?"
"Yeah, cosmic. I just wanted a bit of an early night."
"Can I ask one more little favour? I borrowed a watering can from our neighbour and we need to give it back..."
"Oh no, Mom, don't make me apologise to Mrs Sneedley again!"
"No, I didn't borrow it from her, I borrowed it from Mr Zest over the road. Would you return it to him and give him our thanks?"
"He's not another weird one is he?"
"Well, his house is weird but he seems pleasant"
"OK, give me the can and I'll return it...and be straight back"
I didn't fancy this at all...knowing my luck I'll probably say the wrong thing or worse...not find his jokes funny: I've never angered a comedian before, maybe this'll be a first. His place does seem a little weird; more plumbing and wiring on the outside than the inside by the looks of it. I knock on the door and wince.
"WHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAT?" came a voice from inside; a rasping, loud, elongated 'what'. He is a weirdo!
"Oh hello, Mr Zest, my name is Jamie and my Mom asked me to return your watering can.
Silence. Then footsteps. Then the sound of latches and chains being unlocked and finally the door opened. A young man with a big Elvis style blonde quiff stands before me. He notices I'm carrying the watering can.
"Oh thank you. Was it alright?"
"What?"
"The can"
"I guess....Mom didn't say anything about it other than to return it with her thanks."
"Well...I seem to have left you 'carrying the can'...HONK! Would you like to come in and have a drink? I'm Johnny, your neighbour. Johnny Zest's the name, comedy's my game."
"Are you really a comedian? Like a pro?"
"That's what's written on my welfare cheques....HONK! So how's settling in going?"
"The house is fine...real fine Mr Zest."
"Call me Johnny. I'm only Mr Zest to my parole officer....HONK! And you are?"
"Jamie. So do you play gigs and the like? When's your next one?"
"Well...not this week...nor the next week either but the week after that I provisionally maybe very possibly and almost assuredly could have a gig down in San Myshuno. But the details haven't been arranged yet. Or the venue."
"What's your act like?"
"A bit Henny Youngman, a bit Jackie Mason with a dash of Lenny Bruce. Are you into any comedians?"
"Bob Newhart and Frank Gorshin."
Johnny nodded appreciatively.
"So, have you met George and the Dragon yet? The Sneedleys?"
"Oohhhhhhhh yes. It didn't go well"
"Why, what did you say? Don't tell me...she objected to your haircut"
"No. I expressed an interest that Alan Cuffe used to own our house. Is that true?"
"Very much so. I miss Alan...not that I spoke with him much. You know, the occasional 'hello', 'lovely weather' and 'what's your name again?'"
"Is it true about the parties he held there?"
"I should say so! Man, those were wild!"
"Did you attend any? Did you meet any of the Kittens?"
"Sadly no. I did get to talk with one of the kittens. It was right here, I'll show you. Right out the front of my house one of them walked over to me...and she was in the full kitten outfit and that leaves very little to the imagination I can tell you! So she was there in the bodysuit, the black hose and the cat ears and she...and I think it was Miss February...the red haired one...I digress...so I was there, on that spot and she came right up close to me and said 'is it OK if I park my car here?'"
I looked out of his window at the spot where he was pointing to and I gave a start. My breathing became shallow, I started to nervously fidget and I was letting out a low mumbling sound.
"Calm yourself, kid, it's just a story"
"No...it's not that. Oh man, oh gosh, it's who's walking down the street! She's here! She's here in my street!"
It was Judy Keith. Oasis Springs was well out of her way, not even close to where she lives. What's she doing here? Oh my, she's actually here! A vision in yellow...her hair the colour of spun gold, her eyes like the purest mountain pools and legs that went on forever!
"Do you know her?"
"Yes...well, kind of. I know who she is; she's been at school with me since kindergarten but I wonder if I ever cross her mind."
"Why don't you go and say 'hi' to her? I won't be offended if you leave now. Go!"
"I...I...can't! What am I going to say to her? 'Hi...flarglelahglebnurrr'?"
"Whatever it is, she's going to be gone in less than 30 seconds. Go...just make something up!"
"What if she laughs at me? What if she goes and tells her friends which is, like, everyone in the city, and they all think I'm a loser for daring to talk to her?"
"How likely is that to happen?"
"It's within the realms of plausibility. No. I need a killer opening line. I way to break the ice....you're a comedian, have you got anything?"
"Nothing that the Doctor couldn't cure....HONK! How about 'can you show me the way to town, preferably via your bedroom'?"
"That's a terrible pick up line!"
"My comedy's designed to be edgy, not to pick up women!"
"Oh dang it, she's gone. My chance...ruined!"
"Sorry, guy."
"No, you're right, Johnny. I should have just gone out there and taken my chance"
"Improvisation, Jamie. You never know when it can come in handy. I like you, kid. When I get this gig sorted out you should come and see my set live. Free ticket, what do you say?"
"Sure. And thanks."
"Look at us...we're both an inch away from success and yet we've got to overcome that one little hurdle. I'll help you get that girl, you help me by laughing at my jokes."
