"Madelyn, we need to have an urgent discussion" said Alan Cuffe. He hadn't seen his live in companion and personal assistant either yesterday or at breakfast today and had only now seen her emerge from her bedroom. He downed the last of his juice and called her over.
"What's up, Alan?" she replied, innocently. "I can tell something's bothering you"
"You're right; something is bothering me. I had a little discussion about you with Nancy Landgraab yesterday."
"Oh yeah, what did she have to say?" said Madelyn, giving a contemptuous shrug of her shoulder when Nancy's name was mentioned.
"She told me about your shady business dealings with Malcolm Landgraab...the drugs." said Alan, bluntly.
Madelyn said nothing at first. Alan pressed her.
"Well?" he said. "What's the deal here?"
"So I buy a little pot off of Malcolm Landgraab; it's no big deal" she said.
"From what I've been told it isn't a little; you're buying it off him in bulk!"
"Bulk? Hardly! OK, it's a little more than just for personal use; I sell some on to some of my herbalist friends and some guys down at Britechester U. But it's really not that much, a couple of kilos or so"
Alan threw his hands up in despair "A couple of kilos! If you're caught with that amount on you you're going down and I'll most likely go down with you! I have a successful business to run and I cannot be involved with scandal of that kind"
"Alan...you're not against pot use: You don't complain when some of us light up at Kitten Club meetings"
"Personal use no, but we're talking dealing! I run a clean ship, Madelyn!" he said, protesting.
"We walk the line, Alan, with the law in lots of different ways" she said, calmly.
"I stay on the right line all the time!" he said, defensively. "The club members are all over 18, we have a liquor licence and what I publish falls squarely within the 1st Amendment. I know the cops won't bust us for just a little pot use at a party or something like that but you can't be buying and selling narcotics whilst you work for me and live under my roof!"
Madelyn said nothing.
"Furthermore, this situation with the assassin makes things worse...what if the target wasn't Lilly Feng but you instead? Maybe it's one of Nancy's or Malcolm's goons trying to silence you? Have you thought about that?"
Madelyn shook her head.
"Right. So you've got a choice: Continue to run your own private dealership with Malcolm but you'll have to cut ties with me and Lothario Publishing or stop the dealing completely and stay working for me and living here. Which is it to be?"
"I don't want to ruin our partnership, Alan. I'll break off contact with Malcolm" she said, apologetically.
Cuffe nodded, stood up and went to his office to begin work.
SNEEDLEY BURROW, THE NEXT MORNING
"Hmmm, that smells wonderful George" said Edna, taking in the waft of freshly grilled meat that George was preparing.
"Only the finest for you, my love" he replied.
Edna took a look around the neighbourhood before saying "It's a lovely morning, a beautiful blue sky" before her gaze settled on the ramshackle converted trailer home that was the abode for their neighbour, the struggling comedian Johnny Zest. "It's a shame more people around here don't take better care of their homes"
"I quite agree" said George. "I like to think we set a good example around here"
"An exemplarily example, George" Edna added.
George handed her a serving of the freshly cooked breakfast and they sat down on their front porch to eat it. After making some small talk, they went inside to clean up the plates and also discuss the plans for the day.
"George, later on this morning we'll have our next League of Decency meeting. Will you have time to help me plan it and get the house ready for guests?"
"I've taken the trouble to write a fresh agenda, Edna" he said proudly.
"Music to my ears" responded Edna.
"It'll be the debut of the uniforms" added George.
"Yes. That should give everyone just a little extra oomph today; a sense of purpose" she replied.
"And then shall we protest outside of Hey Wow magazine?"
"Hmmm, maybe right now that might be a little beyond our reach. We need to get our message out there and then hit the depraved society hard. But we shall canvass our members' opinions on the matter....now is that?" Edna paused to look out of the front window. "I do believe that is Scott Urban outside...he's somewhat early for the meeting"
"I think he must be doing his mail route" said George.
"I will go and see" said Edna. Scott Urban was the League's newest recruit: An ex-Army man and current mailman for the neighbourhood. He had a quiet, no-nonsense rural ruggedness about him which appealed to Edna: A nod towards America's pioneer past.
However, Edna saw that he was standing at the end of their road, doing some kind of strange dance or martial art.
"Mr Urban...how lovely to see you here." said Edna. "Might I enquire what you are doing?"
"Tai Chi, Ma'am" replied Scott in his Virginia drawl. "I learned it in the Army...it's a system of moves and exercises designed to tone the muscles and achieve focus"
"Is it really? How interesting. Are you here for the meeting? It's not due to start for a couple of hours"
"No Ma'am, I've got that writ down in my diary. I'm doing my mail route right now and I'll be right over when I'm done...sorry I won't be in the new uniform today: I tried it on, fits real nice and the colour's decent."
"Not to worry, Scott" said Edna, smoothly. "It's your presence we really value. I will see you in a couple of hours then"
They said goodbye and Edna headed back to the Burrow. George was already changing his clothes and Edna did likewise; her carefully pressed uniform was checked for spotlessness with not a stray hair in place. Then she retouched up her make up, made sure her boots were so shiny she could see her face in them and then went back to the living room to make it as hospitable for her guests as possible. Then she went to pour herself a glass of sherry as a pick me up.
One by one they arrived: First Scott, straight from his mail route and then Julia, who was wearing the uniform of the League of Decency as well. Everyone seemed impressed by the new look.
"Well I must say this is a splendid turn out...even though we all appreciate that Scott had to come straight from work to be here I must declare the uniforms a success!" said Edna.
"I say, Dr Epstein, you look mighty fine" said Scott, giving Julia an admiring gaze.
"Please, it's Julia" she replied.
"Sure thing, Ma'am, I mean...Julia" Scott said, bashfully.
"Moving on to business" said Edna. "Item One: A protest has been organised in San Myshuno near the Skye Fitness centre...that is courtesy of a friend and ally, Ken Pepper, who has organised a space for us to hold our first public meeting. Myself and George will be giving speeches"
The others all made notes in their diaries.
"Item Two: George will be printing flyers about the League for us to hand out at the protest. Item Three: A review of books and publications that are deemed not suitable for public consumption without heavy warnings...."
Everyone grabbed a book or magazine that were in a neat pile on the table and started to peruse them. Scott had a magazine called "Leather Cyclist" which had a picture of a young, pouting woman on the cover who was wearing nothing but a leather biker's jacket and a pair of panties on the front. Julia had a book in her hand called "Let It All Hang Out: An Appreciation of Nudist Colonies". As she walked past, George also took in Julia's appearance favourably "She reminds me of Edna when she was young...when I was young" he thought, wistfully.
Julia flicked through the book and then shut it, firmly. "What shall we do if we think the material is disgusting?" she asked.
"We make a note and then send our objections to the publisher. If we do not receive a satisfactory reply then we start an awareness campaign to get more people complaining." said Edna.
"And what if they don't complain?" asked Scott.
Edna took a moment to smile at Scott before answering: "Oh people will complain; don't worry about that. You need the RIGHT people to do so"
"I would suggest" said George "That everyone takes home a book or magazine, highlight the sections that cause offence and log them down in a journal so we can point out the specifics to others"
"Good idea...but if the material gets too strong, do take a break and contact a fellow League member for support" added Edna.
The meeting drew to a close and everyone went home, energised from a positive session. George, in particular was pleased at how it'd gone.
"I thought the others were fired up today" he said. "I must say I feel most invigorated as well"
"Anyway, I must get ready for work...have a lovely afternoon, dear" he said.
After he had left Edna took a look around Bedrock Straight and sighed. There was the ghastly Zest home in all its ramshackle tawdriness. The house next door, once belonging to the even more ghastly Alan Cuffe and the scene of his vile parties, had a "for sale" sign outside and the other property was unoccupied since they took the old man away to the retirement home. The truth was, despite the immaculate condition of Sneedley Burrow, Edna was often at a loose end when George wasn't around and the rest of the neighbourhood depressed her. She went to the fridge to pour herself a glass of wine but none could be found. Then she had a thought: She was going to go and try to recruit new members, why not try at the Solar Flare Lounge?
"Gee, I don't know, Mrs Sneedley...I guess it's hard to find a decent man these days" said the bar tender.
"Exactly, that's my point. Where are the decent men, I ask you? Where are those who are courteous, chivalrous and dutiful these days? Where?"
"I had a good man...once, although I thought he was good." said the bar tender. "Got shipped off to West Germany and fell in love with a local farmgirl. I got the 'Dear Jane' letter a few weeks later"
"Ugh, those foreign women! Such a distraction!" said Edna with a huff. As she drank her wine she would strike up conversations with other patrons.
"I can tell a smartly dressed young man is interested in holding up standards of decorum and good taste"
"Ma'am, I'm the Nightclub Singer. This is my uniform when I work here." said the man.
"Oh I see...will you be playing any music by Perry Como in your act tonight?" said Edna.
At that moment her friend, Ken Pepper entered the lounge. "Edna, no George this evening?" he said.
"He's at work still. How goes things at your school?" she replied.
"Sheesh, kids these days...so lazy, always complaining that that P.T. is too hard for them. Too hard! They're soft these days, soft" said Ken.
"Tell me about it! I'm on a little recruiting drive for the League this evening...I was hoping to meet some people who are fed up with all that laziness and excuse making."
"If I had the time, Edna, I'd join...say, are you hungry? I haven't had chow yet and was thinking of heading to the Spice Festival...do you want to come? If George knocks off early at work he can join us"
"Spicy food...do you know, I haven't tried any. I might just come along" she said, curious to see what the Spice Festival was all about.
"So what does one do at a Spice Festival?" asked Edna.
"Well, you try different kinds of spicy food basically...you've got your Mexican, Chinese, Thai, Moroccan...that kind of thing."
"Sounds....interesting" said Edna without much conviction. The truth be told, she was here mostly for a recruitment drive.
Edna and Ken went over to the tables to sample the dishes on offer, with Ken tucking in with enthusiasm. However Edna heard a voice from behind her that felt like a glass of cold water being poured down her back.
"Edna Bunt? Is that you?" the voice said. Edna turned around to see a face she hadn't seen in 20 years.
"Katrina McTavish...how...lovely to see you. What a surprise" she said in a voice that dripped with false sincerity.
"Actually, it's Katrina Caliente now."
"Is it really? I'm Edna Sneedley now"
"I haven't seen you since the High School Leavers' Prom" said Katrina. "So you went and got married...that's funny because in the yearbook you were voted..."
"Person least likely to get married. Yes, I remember...and you were person most likely to have 3 children before the age of 25"
"Actually, it was two in the end...two girls." said Katrina. "I mean, I could have a third at 39..."
"Katrina dear, I know how old we both are...we were in the same year. So did you end up marrying Flammy Caliente?"
"I did...I did. He died, sadly" Katrina's face dropped for a moment. "But I've found another wonderful man in my life; Don." Katrina leaned in towards Edna and whispered into her ear. "He's a little bit younger than us but, boy, being with a younger man does wonders for the complexion and fitness...do you know what I mean?" and she leant out, nudged Edna in the ribs with her elbow and gave a snorting laugh.
"How nice for you" said Edna, supressing a look of disdain. "My George is a successful chef and a wonderful husband: I couldn't ask for more."
"Well look at you...Edna Bunt, now Sneedley...all married and doing well for yourself. You're looking good for a woman your age...I envy your thinness...you must tell me your secret."
"Yes. Another time perhaps" replied Edna.
"Yes, we must catch up more...call me" said Katrina, walking away and miming a phone gesture.
Edna smiled and waved goodbye. When Katrina was in the distance, she mumbled "slut!". Sighing she put down the bowl of...whatever that food was...and headed to a nearby temporary bar: She needed another drink after that hot chilli and chat with Katrina.
She went to join Ken, who was watching a street musician. "Any joy finding people to join the League?"
"No...so far the only people I've met are MOST unsuitable."
"I know you, Edna, you won't give up easily"
"I won't give up at all" she replied, defiantly.
Eventually the festival petered out and Ken and Edna said goodnight to each other. She got a taxi home, hoping to find George there and awake but he'd left a note on the dining room table. "CHAOS AT THE RESTAURANT, DOG TIRED. GONE TO BED. LOVE, GEORGE"
She sighed. It was kind of him to leave the note but, again, those feelings of frustration, emptiness and boredom when things weren't moving forward rose up within her again. She went to the drinks cabinet.
