CHAPTER 245: Hole In The Soul

 

"Oh what a terrible dream!" said Julia out loud as she woke up.  She blinked a few times and saw the hazy shapes and colours of her bedroom, made unclear because she hadn't put her glasses on yet.

She couldn't get the images from the dream out of her head, however.  In it she was standing in a busy shopping mall, one that seemed to stretch on for miles and miles and a sea of people all walking in unison towards her with blank expressions on their faces.  Julia in her dream was pushing against this crowd, walking in the opposite direction to an exit that never got any closer.  As she pushed forwards the crowd became surly and would shove her back, further impeding her progress.  Nothing in the shops was what she wanted or needed.  There was no respite from the crowds and the store owners shouting at her from all directions.

The dream bothered Julia because she could never remember any dream she might have had beyond a few seconds upon waking up.  Indeed she didn't believe she actually had dreams and was sceptical about the theories of Freud and Jung when it came to dream interpretation.  But still the images of her struggle to make her way out of a shopping mall amongst zombie like crowds remained vivid in her mind.  

She made herself some breakfast, which she forced herself to eat as she had lost her appetite.  Even her home seemed somehow lacking in life.  She had always liked the minimalist decor she had chosen for her house and didn't care for much in the way of homely adornments or creature comforts but looking around the place it suddenly seemed lifeless and devoid of character.

There was little time to wallow and once breakfast was finished she got ready for work.  Often Julia liked to bury herself in it and she had an work ethic that bordered on single-mindedness.  An unusual illness, a rare malady that she had special knowledge of or a chance to help one of the senior registrars would be ideal.

Instead she had to help a man who had a mediaeval knight's helmet stuck on his head.

"Hngghhh urungen hraneenenblarg"

"I see, Mr Locke, so it happened at a bachelor party.  You're not the groom or best man are you?"

"Nrumen.  Ngai nguffin aru dadoo middad"

"I'm relieved to hear that.  Now I think it'll be a matter of applying plenty of lotion and loosening those screws on the side.  I will need some assistance...Mr Marino, would you step into bay 6 please?"

Angelo Marino was a new hire for the hospital, an orderly who seemed eager enough to hit the ground running on the first day of the job.

"Yes Doctor Epstein?" he said, entering the bay and catching sight of a man wearing a hospital gown and a brass knight's helmet.

"Fetch plenty of baby oil lotion and a screwdriver from maintenance.  Then I'm going to need your strength to pull this helmet off of Mr Locke.

"Stwenth?  NGAI!  Wilm if hrurrrrt?  Ngai donna hrunt mgai fache do be dummaged!"

"If you hold perfectly still you should be alright, Mr Locke."  She was getting frustrated by Mr Locke's flapping about in a panic when nothing had happened yet.  It was if he actually wanted to keep the helmet on, she thought.  Maybe they'd have to use the restraints if he started to panic again.

So this was the exciting and high status life of a city doctor in a top hospital...she thought, glumly.

The procedure went well enough and the helmet was eventually removed although Mr Locke cried like a baby and acted as if he was going to die at any moment.  When it came time to write up her notes from the case it was a real struggle to find any motivation.  

As she was struggling to type it all up her friend and work colleague, Harper Newell, stopped by to see how she was doing.

"Was it you who had to get that helmet off that guy's head, Jules?" Harper asked.

"Yes.  And what a pain in the ass that guy was as well!" Julia replied.

"Wow, Miss Straight Arrow swears!  It must be a rough day!" 

"It's nothing major, Harps, it's just all the little things that I usually find slightly annoying are just really bugging me right now"

"Are you free to meet up after our shift?  Get some drinks, unwind?" asked Harper.

"I've said I'd go along to the monthly Jokesters v Pranksters festival in town but I don't feel up to it.  I would like to hang out with you afterwards though."

"How about I tag along to the festival and we can get some drinks and spicy food to help pick you up?"

"That might just work..." said Julia.

When the shift at the hospital ended both agreed to meet at the festival after getting changed and freshened up at their respective homes.  Even with one of her closest friends along for the trip Julia was still dreading this evening.

She wore her everyday clothes, not bothering to doll herself up for the occasion.  She needed the company more than the excitement of the festival.

Making her way to the Arts Quarter, she got herself some food...tonight there were a lot of Asian food vendors making very powerful Thai curries that caught a few of the other festival attendees by surprise.  Julia had to admit the sight of a grown man freaking out over spicy food was funny.

Julia didn't have to wait long until Harper showed up.  "Hey Jules, how's things going here?"

"I haven't been here long but the most amusing thing at the moment is how strong this curry is" Julia replied.

"Don't remind me..." said the man who couldn't handle it.

The man got up to leave and rushed to the nearby public bathroom and Harper sat down next to Julia to chat with her friend.

"So I forget, which team are you normally on:  Jokesters or pranksters?" asked Harper.

Julia let out a sigh.  "I forget...Jokesters...no, Pranksters.  As a matter of fact my head is in such a jumble I can't think straight about teams."

"It's worse than we thought!  So what's brought this all on, Julia?  You're not usually melancholy.  Indignant at improper behaviour, yes, but depressed?  That's not the friend I know."

"This is going to sound silly"

"Try me"

"OK, I had a dream last night that bothered me.  I was being swallowed up by the crowd, I couldn't make progress and I was becoming a nothing, a nobody."

"Sounds like an anxiety dream.  We all get them.  I sometimes dream that I show up to work in only my underwear."

"That's a common dream" commented Julia.

"But the thing is they're someone else's underwear!" 

"Oh..."

"OK so work's not firing you up at the moment, is it?"

"No."

"And your music?"

"The gigs have dried up since my partner, Joelene, turned pro.  I still practice but the fire still isn't in the belly when I play."

"OK...you're going to hate me for mentioning this but:  Social life."

"Well, there's you, Francesca, Summer, Liberty..."

"OK, I'll refine my question...social life that involves men." 

"Well...that's another matter.  I mean, I have followed everyone's advice and tried dating a few times but each time has been a disaster or at least a massive let down.  I've had a teenager who's besotted with me and wrote a folk song in my honour..."

"Oh if only a handsome guy would write a folk song about me" said Harper, wistfully, as she looked up to the sky.

"A man who my parents set me up with who's main concern is promoting his business.  Then there was the guy with anger management issues and the man who's having a messy divorce but he's the messy one."

"Well, there was one other guy who was an absolute dish if you ask me..."

"HE'S IN THE CONGO!  He thought saving civilians in a war zone is more important than taking me to dinner.  Well, it is, but that's not the point."

"But that is the point, Julia.  I've known you since you were an ambitious intern, pushing aside any thought of romance, marriage or family and completely focussed on your career.  And then Vincent entered your life and you haven't been the same since."

"Pshaw!  I'm not in a funk because of a man!" Julia scoffed.  

"Aren't you?  Think of it logically.  Have you noticed any changes in you since you met him?"

"Well, we all change a little over time.  I mean, what struck me about him was his dedication, earnestness and gentlemanly manner.  Yes, I suppose I value those characteristics in someone and they are hard to find these days."

"OK, leaving aside for one moment just how handsome he is *sigh*, how did you feel when you were around him?"

"I felt energised, admittedly.  His intellect and approach to medicine was such that I found it invigorating working alongside him.  And he's also a man of culture so I enjoyed non-work time with him as well.  Again, stimulating..."

"And that's what's missing in your life.  OK, forget romance...let's put that aside for a moment.  It's the intellectual stimulation you're missing.  Since he left for the Congo there's not much replacing that vibe, that buzz you and he had.  Murakami is more of a stern taskmaster than a work colleague, Fran and myself are nurses, not top doctors and those who the hospital has brought in since Vincent left are all a bit bland careerists who don't provide you with the same excitement.  And that, Julia, is what's eating you:  That without someone to bounce off of and share a wavelength with you're worried about being one of those cyphers we work with day in, day out.  You've got a fear of going from promising hot shot to career mediocrity."

"Wow, you should be a psychiatrist.  Seriously.  That's spot on analysis there.  Yes, that makes sense!" said Julia, her eyes lighting up.

"Glad to be of service, Jules.  Now let's get a drink!" replied Harper.

The two young women stood up and walked towards the bar.  "Maybe I should go to the Congo, what do you think?" asked Julia.

"To a warzone?  Are you really cut out for that?" Harper replied, cynically.

"I need that intellectual fizz Vincent provided...where am I going to find it?" 

"Well instead of jumping on an airplane and landing in a civil war how about writing to him instead?  Have you written to him since he's been gone?" asked Harper.

"Well...no.  But that's a good idea.  I shall write to him.  I will ask him about his work over there and about what I've been working on here..."

"Great idea, that's a good place to start.  While you're at it why not ask whether he'll be back in America any time soon?  Maybe you could meet up if he's back in town, even if only briefly.  See how he thinks about you."

"Gosh.  Golly gee.  You know, I need to write to him...now, could you write down a few notes about what I should include in the letter?"

"Oh Julia...you need all the help you can get" said Harper, smiling.

CHAPTER 220: Bury The Past

Summer Holliday was working out on her least favourite fitness machine:  The weight lifting chair.  She much preferred running on the treadmill whilst watching the TV but all three were being used so she made do with the "torture chair" as she liked to call it.  As she was facing the doors to Movers n' Shakers gym, she could see everyone arriving and leaving.  One new arrival was smiling at her and walked over in Summer's direction.  This new arrival, a young black woman in a turquoise outfit, seemed to know who she was although Summer was struggling to put a name to the face.

"Hey, Summer.  Hard at work I see" said the newcomer.

"Err...yes.  Hey, is that you, Joanna?  You look so different!"  Summer stopped working out and stood up so she could get a better look.  "I didn't recognise you with that hairstyle"

"It's new...in fact everything you see is new.  I had my hair done and bought this outfit" replied Joanna.

"You look fab, Joanna.  So why the new look?"

"My usual look is kinda...of the streets, you know?  I'm a college girl now and I want to look like I belong on campus.  I take note of what all the students are wearing and I went for this, the hair...I even did my make up to look more with-it.  Whaddaya think?  Does this look collegiate to you?"

"I don't know, I never went to college...unless you count catering college.  But that's totally something Barbara or my friend Suzy would wear.  You look amazing."

Joanna nodded and said thanks.  "I should have come down here first and then had my hair styled but it's the end of the first semester and I'm at a loose end these days; I'm not used to vacations and time off!"

"You worked solidly before going to college?  What line of work were you in? asked Summer.

"Erm...hospitality, kind of..." replied a sheepish Joanna.  "Nothin' spectacular...ah it was a shit business, I'm glad I'm out of it."

"A lot of long and odd hours, eh?" said Summer, innocently.

"Oh very odd...anyway, movin' on.  It's busy in here today! I was hoping for a go on the treadmills."

"Good luck with that!  Clinton, the personal trainer, has his own private mentoring group over there and they've taken over the machines."

Jeremy entered the gym and walked over to the ladies.  "Joanna, hey, you look great!  I like the new look"

"Thanks, Jeremy.  I'm gonna change into my work out clothes but I'll catch you cats later, dig?"

"Cats?  Dig?" said a confused Jeremy.

"I'll explain those words, Jeremy, later..." said Summer, smiling at her friend's innocence about the modern world.

Joanna headed to the changing rooms and then back downstairs to work out with the punching bag.  She preferred doing that to lifting weights because it kept her self-defence technique in good order.  Over the years, growing up and working the streets, knowing how to throw a quick jab to the jaw or stomach came in handy.

Her conversation between herself, Summer and Jeremy reminded her of how much her life had changed in the last few months.  Those two were nice, naive white folks who were pleasant to be around...heck, a lot more pleasant than most people she knew...but what if they found out about her past?  How patient, nice and pleasant would they be if they knew?  Only Action knew who she really was, but he wasn't blabbing.

After the work out she showered, got changed, reapplied her make up and styled her hair.  She was now going to head into town to meet a guy she was interested in:  Pace Tye.

Pace was a fellow university student in his sophomore year and he'd been one of the first friendly people she had met since starting college and she noticed there was some kind of vibe going on between them.  Neither of them had mentioned it to one another and they certainly weren't an item but Joanna did think about him and the way he approached life in a relaxed, open minded way.

She met him down by the Waterside Warble bar, one of her old stomping grounds.  Joanna had mixed feelings about coming back to the streets she grew up in.  But with a new look and a new sense of purpose she pushed her uneasiness aside when she saw Pace.

"Hey, Pace...good to see you" she said, enthusiastically.

"Hey Joanna...or should I say wow?  You look amazing" he replied.

"Oh this little outfit?  It's a recent thing; I'm trying a new look"

"Well it definitely suits you.  So, are you ready for some fun?" he asked.

"Yeah, I'm up for a bit of that now the semester is over.  Why did you pick here to meet?  Was it the flea market?"

"Actually I'm here for the music.  Do you like a bit of jazz?  A bit of African, Latin American or a Salsa vibe?"

"I am DEFINITELY up for some of that!"

They strolled along the public square, ignoring the stalls of used and second hand items and made it all the way to where a woman was singing African folk songs.  They paused to catch her act, which was proving popular with the locals.

When the singer finished a song, Pace offered to buy Joanna a drink from a nearby food stall.  As he did so she looked around her old neighbourhood.  It had cleaned up a little in recent months but that was probably because of the market and the live music; the city council had somehow cleared away the low lives and homeless for one day.  She noticed a wishing well nearby; that was new and something she had never seen before.  She had a nickel on her so, on a whim, she tossed it into the well and made a wish.  "I wish I won't foul things up with Pace" she said in her mind.

Pace returned with the drinks and handed one to her.  "Enjoying the vibe?" he asked.

"Sure.  Music's good...the drink's real good and the company's not bad either" she said with a smile.

"Here's to school vacations" he replied, raising his glass.  "What do you have planned?" he asked.

"Nothing yet...I'm open to suggestions" she said, flirtatiously.

"I'd better get my thinking cap on" he replied.  Shall we sit down...somewhere away from the crowd?" he suggested.  Joanna nodded and they spied a graffiti covered bench near the basketball court that fitted the description.

Pace began to chat "You know...we meet up nearly every day on campus but I hardly know a thing about you."

"And you're also a bit of a mystery to me" she replied.

"OK, I'll give you the brief autobiography.  I'm from Philly originally.  Dad's a mechanic, mom's a full time mom, I have two annoying sisters and about a billion relatives whose names and birthdays I'm supposed to know off by heart."

"A real big family, eh?" Joanna said, smiling.

"Yep...so I absolutely love the tranquillity of campus life and having my own space...which is why I'm going to spend most of the vacation here in Sim City and only pop back to Philadelphia for a couple of days towards the end."

"So hopefully I'll get to see a bit of you before you head home" she said with a smile.

"That's my hope as well.  So, what's your story?" he asked.

Joanna drew a deep breath.  "Well, I was born just a few blocks from here, actually.  My family is...well, non-existent.  Both parents are dead.  I had one brother but....he died as well..."

Pace's face went from smiling to sad.  "Oh, I didn't realise..." he said, almost apologetically.

"It's not like I've been forthcoming with this stuff since I arrived on campus.  I'm still coming to terms with some of it as well...but...on the positive side, I had a wealthy great uncle who left me a small fortune in his will"

"Get out of here!" he exclaimed.

"It's true.  So, I quit these streets, moved to Willow Creek and enrolled in college." she said.

"Wow...just wow.  That's a helluva backstory.  I knew you were interesting from the first moment I met you." he said, admiringly.  Joanna, however, deliberately left out the sordid part of her past.

"Fancy another drink or something to eat?" Pace asked.

"Sure...I'm getting a little hungry now" she replied.

The two walked back over to the food stalls and Pace ordered a couple of burritos and sodas but as he was doing that, a man in a loud pink suit approached Joanna.

"Say...I recognise you from somewhere.  I'm sure we've met before" he said.

They had.  This guy was once a client.  Worked in advertising and was a sex addict.  He threw a private party for some clients and hired some prostitutes...Joanna was one of them.  It paid well enough but he and his friends were boorish drunks.  He couldn't manage it on the night he had so much to drink...

"Maybe...or maybe you have me mistaken for someone else?" she replied, coldly.  Pace had returned.

"Hey there..." Pace said, his quizzical gaze flitting between Joanna and this random guy.

"Hey Pace, thanks for the drink." she replied.  "I'm sorry, I can't help you" she said to the man before walking off with Pace.

Pace said nothing about the guy and didn't ask Joanna either.  He carried on having a conversation with her as if nothing had happened.  Joanna wondered if he was either genuinely so cool it didn't matter or else he didn't want to make her uncomfortable by asking her who that man was.

They eventually ended up at the Waterside Warble bar and Joanna thought the date was going well.  

"You must be very familiar with this bar..." said Pace.  "...I didn't know you're from the Spice Quarter and that you had a rough upbringing.  Had I known I'd have taken you somewhere a bit more upmarket and different."

"Not to worry...it's cool just hanging out.  You know, I don't know another guy like you?" she said.

"Is that a good thing or a bad thing?" he replied.

"Oh it's all good, baby, it's good."

Pace turned to look at Joanna and he had a smile on his face but with his eyes narrowed as he took a good look into her face.

"You know, I get the feeling that there's a lot going on with you...I mean layers, depths, even secrets" he said.

She smiled wryly at what he said.  "I don't know about the former, but definitely the part about secrets.  But then, don't we all have them?" she replied.

"Yeah...and, hey, I don't want to pry into anything that makes you uncomfortable.  I guess what I'm trying to say is that those secrets, the life path that led you here...it makes you fascinating to be around.  That's a compliment, by the way..."

"Yeah, I know" she replied, smiling at him.  "Maybe, in time, one day...if we're still friends...I might share some things about me but I want to move forwards, you know?"

"I hope we'll be friends for a very long time" said Pace.  "And I dig the moving forwards thing"

Talk turned to the next semester but the vibe between the two of them was still good and Joanna liked Pace a lot and could see herself becoming romantically involved with him but she was also aware that she had never been in a proper romantic relationship with anyone before and that was still gnawing away at her from the inside.  

The day was drawing to a close and Pace got up from the bar.  "I'm sorry, Jo, but I got to do a small favour for a buddy who's moving house at the crack o' dawn tomorrow so I need an early night and I've already had waaaayyy to many of these!" he said, pushing the empty drinks glass away from him.  "I really liked being with you today and I hope we can see more of each other during the vacation."

"I would like that too...and sorry if I've been all evasive and..."

"Don't sweat it, Jo!  I get it.  I really do.  Now you have a great rest of the evening and I'll give you a call."

She got up from the bar as well and they both hugged each other.  It was a close, firmly held hug that lasted beyond just being friendly.  With this hug with this man she felt something she had rarely ever experienced:  Secure.  

"You take it easy" said Pace as he left.

"You too" she replied and that was all that was necessary to say.  The softness in their voices communicated a lot more than mere words.

Pace headed off but Joanna wasn't ready to leave yet.  She returned to the bar where the barmaid took one look at her and said "the same?"

"Yeah, just one more" replied Joanna.

"Cute guy.  Are you going to see him again?" said the barmaid as she poured Joanna a drink.

"I hope so...I hope I don't screw things up with him." Joanna replied.  "I gotta lotta baggage..."

"Don't we all?" replied the barmaid.  "If we let that get in the way we'd all die lonely"

"I guess...I've done some pretty bad stuff..."

"Was it by design?"

Joanna paused before answering.  "By someone's design, not mine, although it took me a long time to break away from it.  I could have stopped myself earlier...could have..."

"But you have now?"

"Yep...turned my life around and then he enters into it"

"I hope he's worth it"

"He just might be.  Better than all the others, at least.  You got a fella?"

"I had...a husband as well.  He got killed in Vietnam."

"Oh man...here I am feeling sorry for myself and..."

"Don't sweat it.  We all have something from our past to deal with but it looks like you might have found some hope."

"As long as I don't foul up..."